Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
