If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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