I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
