Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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