you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
