Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
