If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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