let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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