my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
