I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
