your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
