I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
