i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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