I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
