I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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