Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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