My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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