The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
