Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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