I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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