last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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