i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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