I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.