when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
