my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"