i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
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So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
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the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
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