I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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