there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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