My room smells like vodka and shame
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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