So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
