Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
