I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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