My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
