I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
