You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
