wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
