Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
