my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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