yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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