what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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