He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Randomize
