The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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