how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
