god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
