i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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