apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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