And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
