It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
