my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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