Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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