I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
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so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
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Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities