grandma shit on top of the toilet
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
