my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's never too late to be topless.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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