Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
