Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I puked a lego.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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