Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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