the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
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Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
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FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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