Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sorry my hands just texted you
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
