Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
