So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
