I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
