your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Drake has all the answers
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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