Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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