My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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